This is MSG Harold R. Laranang. He was my JROTC instructor at Clear Lake High School but he was so much more than that to me. He was my best friend, my mentor, my hero, and the closest thing to a father that I have ever had.
He taught me so much in the short time that I knew him. I met him my sophomore year of high school and he passed away in August of 1998. I remember the day he walked in and told me that I was going to be on Color Guard. I remember the day he told us to practice hard because we were competing that weekend. I hate being in front of people. I wanted no part of that at all. I did compete, on the Color Guard with my dearest friends by my side and we did well and I loved it. JROTC became more to me than a P.E. credit to me (and most people I know that took it) and those people became my extended family. To this day I have an Army JROTC sticker on my car to go along with my U.S.A.F. Veteran sticker.
I remember the supposedly grumpy men (MSG L & General Bailey) who walked in the room and talked tough but would turn out to be big teddy bears. The reason that MSG and I became so close was spawned out of a fight. I was talking with a guy in the corps who had lost his girlfriend (my BFF) and as MSG L walked by he told me he wanted to talk to me. He told me that I needed to watch out who I was hanging out with. I told him that he needed to mind his own damn business. The next day in class, near the end, he pulled me out in the hall to once again talk to me. I was petrified. I figured I was going to get in trouble for cursing at a teacher. He told me, instead, that I was right and he was wrong but that he saw a lot of potential in me and he cared for my well being. He didn't want me getting sidetracked by hanging out with the wrong people. We were friends for life after that. Don't get me wrong, my Mom was around but being a single mother meant she had to work her ass off to keep us afloat. So if I wasn't in trouble or didn't come to her about something- I kind of did my own thing. I had not had a male presence in my life who gave a shit about me in a LONG time.
Whenever I talk about him, I always say that he showed me my wings and forced me to fly. I truly believe that. He was my angel and he still is just in a different way now.
I wore my dress blues to his funeral. I was doing fine until General B hugged me and told me that MSG would be so proud of me. I lost it. You see, I was injured in the USAF (I had 2 compression fractures at T-12 & L-1). I didn't get much time in before it happened. I was 19. When I came home I was broken. I felt like I had let everyone down. I didn't want to see or talk to anyone other than my immediate family. So when he called, I was reluctant to talk to him. My Mom forced me to pick up the phone and talk to him. I told him what happened and he asked why I didn't call him and I told him that I didn't want to disappoint him. He immediately told me that I could never disappoint him and that he loved me. Once again, it was just what I needed at the time.
We made a pact that we would both take care of ourselves. I used to bitch at him because he had young kids that needed their father so he needed to quit ignoring the doctors and just follow their damn orders. I was angry for a while that he broke his promise. And then I felt guilty that I didn't keep in touch better.
A few days before he passed away (suddenly), I was talking about him to a guy I would end up dating. B was waiting on a heart transplant and I was telling him about my best friend who was a heart patient as well. I mentioned that his birthday was coming up and that I needed to call him. He was gone within the week.
I had a dream that week where he told me that I shouldn't feel guilty and that he knew I loved him and he loved me too. A year later he came again to express his displeasure at my choice of dating partners. He came back the year I got married and had my first son to tell me that he was happy for me. And most recently in October he came again to tell me that he was worried about his daughter but that he was so proud of her.
I named my oldest son Connor Odin Harold.... the Harold was for MSG.
I wanted to write this blog about him because I am hoping that sharing it with the world will alleviate some of the pain that still exists. Most days everything is fine, but tonight it just hurts so fucking much.
Make no mistake... he was a special man. There are 5 gazillion little things that I could tell you about him. He was a devoted father, a wonderful teacher, and an awesome friend. I enjoy keeping up with his kids as I have come to love them all and it makes me feel closer to him. He used to draw pineapples on my letters. I cannot find the bigger ones but I found a small one that I plan to blow up, clean up (just remove the lines from the paper), and have tattooed on my wrist along with Laranang. I hope that it honors him and the important role that he played in my life. He loved life, his family, and teaching. He taught me that I could do anything that I wanted and more.
So, anyway, that is my story.
I love and miss you every day MSG!
No comments:
Post a Comment