Beauty born from pain

Isn't it funny how beautiful things can come from painful situations?

-A wonderful friendship with a kindred spirit
-A once-in-a-lifetime love
-Giving your child the name of the man who meant the most to you in this world
-Strengthening the family bond
-pushing on and through to come out on top because you have been told you cannot

A lot has happened in my 36 years on this earth. My parents split and my Father divorced the whole damn family. It hurts. It has been this way since I was 9. On the bright side, my Mother was an AWESOME parent who made up for it without even trying mostly. My family (who stayed around) is VERY close. I tried to repair my relationship with my Father a few years ago but you cannot force things. I just don't have the energy to handle the entire relationship on my own.

When I was 19 I fell off an obstacle at Lackland AFB and broke my back in 2 places. Everyone was disappointed, not as much as I was in myself. It was a career ending injury that I have never really healed from. The man who was like a Dad to me (See In Loving Memory) was the last person I wanted to talk to because of dealing with a lot of disappointment. When he called and he told me that I could never disappoint him because he loved me no matter what, he ended a horrible depression that I had been swimming in for weeks.

I went back to school after giving birth to my youngest (& last) son and it took forever but in May 2012 I graduated with my Associates of Arts degree and I have since moved on to University of Houston to pursue a Bachelors in Social Work. I have (again) encountered some bumps in the road but I will keep going.

Last, but certainly not least, I have recently begun a friendship with a wonderful lady. I read her blog for a long time before I put 2 & 2 together to who she was and what tragedy had befallen her and her kids. Unfortunately, this was set in motion by someone who was supposed to be her friend. Someone who claimed to love her but just wanted to have her own needs met. So you see, on one hand I feel awful that her family was turned upside down by someone I know. On the other hand, I owe the nutcase a debt of gratitude because I ended up with 2 wonderful nephews and a wonderful friend who I feel like is a part of my family who had been missing.

Beauty does come from pain.

I'm alright

A little banged up from the fall...

It has been a crazy few months and there have been many ups and downs but I am still here.

I have had a shit ton of health issues and had to drop 3 of my 4 classes. I did get an A in the class that I kept. While this should have made me feel better as it was Abnormal Psychology and it was an intricate course, I have still been down over the break down of my semester.

So, I took the summer off to find the answers I seek about the cause of my kidney stones and finish some other issues up so that I can get right back at it in the Fall.

SO, I am slowly but surely fighting my way out of the funk. I am enjoying the kiddos and seeing them blossom. I spend much less time talking to them from behind the computer composing essays and such. I will be ready to be back at it in August but for now I will embrace the break.

I hope this finds y'all happy and healthy!

In loving memory....

This is MSG Harold R. Laranang. He was my JROTC instructor at Clear Lake High School but he was so much more than that to me. He was my best friend, my mentor, my hero, and the closest thing to a father that I have ever had.

He taught me so much in the short time that I knew him. I met him my sophomore year of high school and he passed away in August of 1998. I remember the day he walked in and told me that I was going to be on Color Guard. I remember the day he told us to practice hard because we were competing that weekend. I hate being in front of people. I wanted no part of that at all. I did compete, on the Color Guard with my dearest friends by my side and we did well and I loved it. JROTC became more to me than a P.E. credit to me (and most people I know that took it) and those people became my extended family. To this day I have an Army JROTC sticker on my car to go along with my U.S.A.F. Veteran sticker.

I remember the supposedly grumpy men (MSG L & General Bailey) who walked in the room and talked tough but would turn out to be big teddy bears. The reason that MSG and I became so close was spawned out of a fight. I was talking with a guy in the corps who had lost his girlfriend (my BFF) and as MSG L walked by he told me he wanted to talk to me. He told me that I needed to watch out who I was hanging out with. I told him that he needed to mind his own damn business. The next day in class, near the end, he pulled me out in the hall to once again talk to me. I was petrified. I figured I was going to get in trouble for cursing at a teacher. He told me, instead, that I was right and he was wrong but that he saw a lot of potential in me and he cared for my well being. He didn't want me getting sidetracked by hanging out with the wrong people. We were friends for life after that. Don't get me wrong, my Mom was around but being a single mother meant she had to work her ass off to keep us afloat. So if I wasn't in trouble or didn't come to her about something- I kind of did my own thing. I had not had a male presence in my life who gave a shit about me in a LONG time.

Whenever I talk about him, I always say that he showed me my wings and forced me to fly. I truly believe that. He was my angel and he still is just in a different way now.

I wore my dress blues to his funeral. I was doing fine until General B hugged me and told me that MSG would be so proud of me. I lost it. You see, I was injured in the USAF (I had 2 compression fractures at T-12 & L-1). I didn't get much time in before it happened. I was 19. When I came home I was broken. I felt like I had let everyone down. I didn't want to see or talk to anyone other than my immediate family. So when he called, I was reluctant to talk to him. My Mom forced me to pick up the phone and talk to him. I told him what happened and he asked why I didn't call him and I told him that I didn't want to disappoint him. He immediately told me that I could never disappoint him and that he loved me. Once again, it was just what I needed at the time.

We made a pact that we would both take care of ourselves. I used to bitch at him because he had young kids that needed their father so he needed to quit ignoring the doctors and just follow their damn orders. I was angry for a while that he broke his promise. And then I felt guilty that I didn't keep in touch better.

A few days before he passed away (suddenly), I was talking about him to a guy I would end up dating. B was waiting on a heart transplant and I was telling him about my best friend who was a heart patient as well. I mentioned that his birthday was coming up and that I needed to call him. He was gone within the week.

I had a dream that week where he told me that I shouldn't feel guilty and that he knew I loved him and he loved me too. A year later he came again to express his displeasure at my choice of dating partners. He came back the year I got married and had my first son to tell me that he was happy for me. And most recently in October he came again to tell me that he was worried about his daughter but that he was so proud of her.

I named my oldest son Connor Odin Harold.... the Harold was for MSG.

I wanted to write this blog about him because I am hoping that sharing it with the world will alleviate some of the pain that still exists. Most days everything is fine, but tonight it just hurts so fucking much.

Make no mistake... he was a special man. There are 5 gazillion little things that I could tell you about him. He was a devoted father, a wonderful teacher, and an awesome friend. I enjoy keeping up with his kids as I have come to love them all and it makes me feel closer to him. He used to draw pineapples on my letters. I cannot find the bigger ones but I found a small one that I plan to blow up, clean up (just remove the lines from the paper), and have tattooed on my wrist along with Laranang. I hope that it honors him and the important role that he played in my life. He loved life, his family, and teaching. He taught me that I could do anything that I wanted and more.

So, anyway, that is my story.

I love and miss you every day MSG!

Baking

I have been baking up a storm this year! Every two weeks I have been baking double batches of Wookiee Cookies and sharing them with the AWESOME guys who work on our vehicles. If you know my husband and how hard he is on his vehicle you would agree that these guys deserve to be absolutely spoiled with baked goods. ;-)

This week I will be doing cupcakes from scratch. I do mean from the bottom up which includes homemade frosting. Vanilla cupcakes with chocolate frosting and conversation hearts on top for Valentine's Day is what I am making. Hopefully they turn out good. I am not worried about the cupcakes themselves but I have never done frosting before. I might make a single batch tomorrow to test them before I make them for our ODSJ potluck on Tuesday.

I will try to report back and post pictures of the results. Then next weekend I shall be once again baking cookies. The kids LOVE this new baker that I have discovered within myself.

So here are my brownies. I use the Bossk Brownie recipe from the Star Wars cookbook as a base and I have been experimenting with different additions. So far I have done milk and dark chocolate, semi-sweet and white chocolate, Andies mint chips and milk chocolate, and my latest is milk chocolate and peanut butter chips. I like them all but the peanut butter was my favorite. Here is a picture of my latest brownies.

On a recent trip to Tanger Outlet Mall I stopped in to Kitchen Collections and picked up a silicone baking mat. Woah buddy, I need another one of those. It makes the cookies so much easier to deal with when taking them off the pan. I do not need to spray the spatula or anything. So here is a picture of my Wookiee Cookies on the new mat.

Please ignore my dirty stove. I always clean it after the baking is all done. I enjoy letting all my frustrations go while scrubbing the crap out of my stove.

Oh and if you are wondering what Wookiee Cookies are, basically they are chocolate chip cookies with 2 types on chocolate chips (milk & Semi Sweet) and cinnamon. The cinnamon is what makes all the difference, I think.

Anyway, if I don't go to bed soon I might not make it there. Sweet dreams everyone!

2 AM

Good golly, I really hate insomnia. I feel like every nerve in my body is a live wire tonight.

It is extremely odd to have all 4 boys here all night on a Sunday. I figure getting ready for school tomorrow morning will be chaos. Beautiful chaos. I enjoy having the boys here. I love having them all close.

Another week begins for us. I have school and must begin researching my topic for Advanced Writing this week. It should be fun to learn more about Veterans, PTSD, & Substance Abuse.

In other news, my group and I went to The Queen of Queens contest the other night. What fun! Drag queens are awesome and incredibly hard working. There was a ton of talent in that building and the environment was very supportive. This was a dry run for us so I hope to have pictures to post here once we go to the next one. FUNFUNFUN!

Have a great week everyone!

Reflections of NASA

The end of January and beginning of February marks the anniversaries of NASA tragedies. I think the people involved with these tragedies will never forget where they were when it happened. I always like to pause and remember the heroes who died in the pursuit of knowledge of the unknown. It takes a lot of balls to go in search of the answers when the known danger level is high. I have a special place in my heart for the astronauts who were lost in Apollo 1, Challenger, and Columbia.

Apollo 1 touched my heart because of the way things went down. After watching 'From the Earth to the Moon' with my husband and hearing him talk about LOTS of NASA stuff, I really admired Gus Grissom. He seemed like a guy that you would want to have lunch with and just listen to him talk. When I found out he, Ed White, & Roger Chaffee had perished in Apollo 1, I was very sad. Fortunately, some good lessons came out of the tragedy.

RIP guys!

Challenger was completely different for me. I was in the 3rd grade and we were watching the launch live. Remember those days when NASA was beloved instead of shoved under the rug? Yeah me too. Anyway, interestingly enough I would end up going to High School with Ellison Onizuka's daughter. Challenger still horrifies me. Not that all of the loss of life does not but I was literally watching these wonderful people die, I didn't understand it in 3rd grade. My son, C, is in 3rd grade. I think he would grasp it better than I did but that is because we would have discussed it. Not that my Mother was against discussing it, but she was busy with work and Uncle Sam doesn't usually pause for tragedy. (Except 9/11) I find it wonderfully fascinating though that even today the families (most) of these astronauts (and teacher) are not anti-NASA at all. They all understood the risks taken by their family member.

God bless you all and Godspeed.

The shuttle Challenger flight STS-51L crew members who died January 28, 1986. In the back row, from left, mission specialist Ellison S. Onizuka, Teacher in Space Participant Sharon Christa McAuliffe, Payload Specialist Greg Jarvis and Mission specialist Judy Resnik. In the front row, from left, Pilot Mike Smith, Commander Dick Scobee, and Mission specialist Ron McNair.

And finally, Columbia. WOW. That was a completely different period of my life. I had gotten up a little early that day to have a chat with the guy I was dating (and married) who was living in East Texas to my Houston. He was right there watching when NASA lost communication with Columbia. His Dad was some big NASA guy and he always kept up with that stuff. It was one of the things I liked about him seeing as I have always been a fan of the Shuttle program myself and I have come to appreciate the other programs in the last decade.
By the time I had gotten home from work that evening I had seen, talked to, and hugged many faces of the space program who waited in Mission Control desperately hoping the loss of communication with Columbia was just a glitch. It still haunts my husband that he heard the boom when Columbia re-entered the atmosphere over East Texas. Columbia is the tragedy that sticks out for him the most.

The seven crew members who died aboard this final mission were: Rick Husband, Commander; William C. McCool, Pilot; Michael P. Anderson, Payload Commander; David M. Brown, Mission Specialist 1; Kalpana Chawla, Mission Specialist 2; Laurel Clark, Mission Specialist 4; and Ilan Ramon, Payload Specialist 1

The Space Shuttle program will always be MY program. :-) It was the vehicle of the space program of my lifetime. My hope is to see another space craft fly in my lifetime. In a perfect world, no one else would have to sacrifice their lives to make it happen. No matter what, I will always support NASA and the work that they are doing. I only hope that the next craft is as beautiful as the Shuttle was to watch launch, fly, and come home. I watched every launch and every return after we lost Columbia and I shared in the apprehension and joy that every member (and every fan) of NASA that went with it until that bird was back on the ground.

Late last year I took my kids to see Shuttle Endeavor as it made its pause in Houston for the last time. The kids were hungry and hot, the crowds were intense, and the traffic was murder but the experience was worth it. As I stood there so very close to that Shuttle, I remembered going to see them as a little girl on my Dad's shoulders. I remembered the horror or watching the Challenger explosion, the sinking feeling when we lost communication with Columbia, and finally all of the times that the school pulled annoying fire alarms to make us go out and watch the shuttle fly over. I longed for the days of those fire alarms. I stood in the shadow of a giant with my (bitchy) kids in awe and didn't want to leave her. I felt like a left a piece of myself with Endeavor. It sounds dramatic but the end of the shuttle program was the end of a piece of me because it was so very much a part of my life growing up near NASA.

To my dearest NASA, good luck and Godspeed! We are watching to see what you do next and anticipating greatness. (If we can retain politicians that support you)

Dropping in for a quickie...

So, I was accepted into the Social Work program on December 17, 2012. I am excited and scared and ready to go all at the same time.

I have begun a full load for Spring that consists of Abnormal Psychology, Oppression, Diversity & Social Justice, History of Social Policy, and Advanced Writing. WOO. LOTS of writing included in this semester.

I may be able to keep up with some things, but please forgive my lack of blogging. I am either studying, sleeping, baking, or cleaning. :-)

Much love to all!

Happy New Year!

Well well, welcome 2013.

2012 was interesting.

-Near the end I got the confirmation of my admission to the BSW program so it is official now.

-I made some fantastic new friends! Some of them I might never meet in person and some of them I will move heaven and earth to meet.

-I learned a lot about myself following a rough summer and almost losing an important person in my life.

-Also I learned that most people could benefit from therapy.

-Messing with my kids brings out the warrior in me and she has anger issues.


-I have the best family (including my fictive kin) in the world.

-My kids are growing up too fast.

-Music is a great way to change my mood.

3 days in to 2013

-Some people need electric shock therapy.

-I have developed a rather bad case of insomnia.

-I love playing games with the kids on the Wii more than I thought I would.

-Kids are still resistant to cleaning their room.

-My loving husband is still a pain in my ass. (and I am a pain in his.)

-Blogging is fun but not therapeutic unless it is anonymous. Having to worry that my kids will stumble on this page makes it hard to be completely honest.


Hopes for 2013

-Continued success in the education department for everyone.

-Loss of some of this weight that has snuck back over the past year.

-I have decided to continue to keep my hair red until the effort becomes overwhelming to too expensive. (I get the stuff from Sally's and my Mom helps apply it so it is doable)

-Continue to develop new friendships and nurture the others.

-Find an acceptable Rheumatologist.

-Keep my GPA up.

-Laugh at least once a day.

-Make someone else laugh at least once a day.

-Learn!

SO, I hope that you have a wonderful 2013 as well and that all of your healthy (not necessarily physically healthy) resolutions come true!