What do we really pass on to our children? What do they see when we aren't looking that stays with them for life? Did I pass on my temper? Did I pass on my hair? Did my sons get the cardiac markers that I got from my father?
I am getting better all the time at the Mom thing. I am constantly trying to do the best for my children and lately I have realized that doing the best for me plays into that equation.
My oldest son, C, looks just like me. I mean there is NO doubt that he is my kid. He acts like S though and even a lot like his Aunt MiMi. He is smart and serious and so very cute the way he says pecan. (Pee-Can). He has bad eyes like his parents and has already had surgery to repair them. I was 10 when I had the same surgery that he had at 6. I cried when the doctor told me that he had to have it. I wondered if my need to be a Mother had led me to make a truly selfish decision in having kids without exploring what I could pass on to them. His Dad and I both have glasses, we both had braces, I had gestational diabetes during both of my pregnancies putting my kids at risk to have diabetes themselves. Hell, I have Type II Diabetes that is in remission now and their Dad was diagnosed Pre-diabetic a few years ago. What did we set our kids up for?
And then something hits you out of left field. On Valentines day in 2008 my little Prince N ate a tiny shrimp out of his Dad's salad at dinner. He had had a bit of exposure to shrimp before with no problems at all so we thought nothing of it. I will never forget the 7 minute drive to the Emergency Room. My little boy was swelling up, red, and having issues breathing. I will always be so very thankful that by the time I had finished the hospital paper work they had given my son the allergy medicine that saved his life. No one in either of our families has food allergies that severe. N has a severe allergy to shellfish (he will not grow out of), allergies to some fish, and one to eggs that he will grow out of later.
What I am trying to say is that even though you may have done all the research in the world, you cannot predict everything. All we can do is work hard to be the best parents possible and always put the kids first.
The first thing that I remember wanting to be when I grew up was an astronaut,however, I have a bad case of hydrophobia and deep water scares the shit out of me. I want to learn to swim but I am deathly afraid of it. I wanted to be a lawyer for a very long time and I still have a deep love of the law but when I was 10 I realized that I wanted to be a Mom. (My own Mom has made a huge difference in my life. She gave up everything to raise my sister and I. She worked her ass off to give us what we needed. I knew that if I could be half the Mom that she was I would be a good Mom.) I put everything on hold to go into the Texas Air National Guard/ USAF and study nursing when I was 19. I needed a change and I had lost my way. I broke my back in 2 places during a training exercise. Compression fracture of T-12 & L-1, a lot of
bullshit red tape, and physical therapy later and I was told that my career in Nursing was over before it had begun. Broken, I went back to civilian life. I met a very nice guy at work and we became friends and then lovers. He was in need of a transplant. Odd, because he seemed so healthy. Eventually things caught up with him and he had a heart attack. He wasn't coming out of the hospital without a new heart. One of my customers told me to get out while I could and go out and live. (He just wanted to get into my pants.) I was in my early 20's by now and dammit I was in love. I have never run away from a challenge or a friend and I wasn't about to start then. He eventually got a new heart and I got the sense that my life was not over. I might not be a nurse but I could make a difference. B and I had a great time together. We walked through hell and back, we laughed, we loved, and we fought but I wouldn't trade that 3 years for anything. We didn't always have the healthiest relationship though and I had to break the cycle so I walked away. I went back to work and threw myself into that. I decided that I wanted to be a Mom. Eventually I got together with S and I was pregnant before we knew it. It was unplanned....shocking even as I was told I might never have kids. I was thrilled. S was surprised. We had wanted more time to cement our family with B & J but God had other plans. Number 2 (for me) was a true SHOCK.
Had you have asked me how I thought my life would turn out this is NOT the story you would have gotten from me. I will tell you though that I am TRULY blessed. I have wonderful kids and an awesome family and I finally feel like I found my way. I went back to school in 2007 but it really was not until my last semester at COM that I was sure I was on the right track. I have applied for the Bachelors of Social Work program and I am excited for the future. I can follow the law, help people, and make a difference. Maybe I will share my essay that I sent in with my application to the program some day.
In the meantime, thank you to everyone that I met along the road. And thanks to B... despite everything I wouldn't be where I am without you.
To my kids, I will be there for you no matter what. I love you unconditionally. Thank you for enriching my life beyond my wildest dreams.
